Written for Grief in a Family Context, spring semester, 1997
Peggy wrote the following insightful and helpful observations as her response to questions I posed to the class: "How do adults' attitudes affect a child's grief process? What can an adult do to facilitate the grieving process of bereaved children?" We would like to share them here. (posted by Kathleen Gilbert, course instructor, 1/31/97)
Another attitude is that a young child is unaffected by the loss, that he or she wouldn't remember anyway.
Adults may have learned from their own families that death is something to be avoided and not talked about.
An adult who had a conflicted relationship with the deceased may be unable to tolerate expressions of love toward the deceased. For instance, if you really hated your ex-husband and your child is crying "I miss Daddy", you might not be able to be supportive.
Adults may have difficulty accepting a child's expressions of anger in general, because of ideas about authority and children not being "fresh". Some of the child's feelings (numbness, indifference, relief) may seem to be disrespecful toward the deceased.
An awareness that in spite of your own pain, it is your responsibility to help your child cope with the loss.
A willingness to allow the child to seek support, guidance, and information from others.
A sense of spirituality that can be shared with the child, as appropriate.
Finally, a willingness to seek professional help if it seems necessary.
If the adult is very distraught, allow others to step in to help the child cope.
Give accurate information appropriate to the child's developmental level. This requires very good judgement, and must be incredibly difficult when the death involves suicide or violence, or the death of a child. Maybe hospital staffs, police, and clergy should give handouts on this to every family who experiences a death. I think the child's first impression of the death must be very critical, and that is when an adult is least prepared to tell it well.
Allow the child to express feelings, and show accceptance. Be a role model for the child in expressing your own feelings. Share memories of the deceased.
Try to make expressions of affection to the child at least as much as you did before the loss.
Provide structure, try to keep the child in a routine. Set limits on acting out behavior, while showing acceptance of the feelings.
Try to avoid any new losses (such as moving your home, or getting rid of a pet) for as long as possible.
Encourage the child to participate in rituals. Get someone to assist you with this if it may be necessary. I would very strongly encourage the child to attend at least part of the funeral, with the option to leave with another family member if it is too distressing. I think that planting a memorial tree is a good ritual for a child.
Give the child an object to remember the deceased by (a possesion, a photograph, a stone from the cemetary, whatever)
Encourage the child to do artwork and/or writing to express feelings and come to terms with the loss.
If you have more than one child, make a point of periodically spending some time alone with each child (driving to the store, or whatever) to allow the child to ask questions and express feelings.
Share your spirituality with your child, as appropriate to developmental level.
Prior to a major loss, use smaller losses (the death of a pet, or a neighbor) to teach your child how to grieve.
Read up on childhood bereavement and get professional help if you think it may be needed.
If you have questions or comments, you may contact the author, Peggy Bruno, or the course instructor, Kathleen Gilbert.
Link to Class top page.
1997, Peggy Bruno. All rights reserved.